<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Lament of the Drowned (and Drowning) by rpgazur</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29994786">Lament of the Drowned (and Drowning)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rpgazur/pseuds/rpgazur'>rpgazur</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hades (Video Game 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Hurt Zagreus (Hades Video Game), Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Zagreus (Hades Video Game), Insecurity, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, Victim Blaming, Whump, Zagreus Needs a Hug (Hades Video Game), Zagreus Whump (Hades Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:01:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,550</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29994786</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rpgazur/pseuds/rpgazur</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s an addiction at this point, his trips through the Underworld; a way to die and hurt and bleed in a way that he can no longer be shamed for. It is his job now, a thing that he is supposedly good at. </p><p>Yet he’s never felt like more of a failure. <br/> </p><p>Or: Zagreus' struggle with his spiraling mental health.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Achilles &amp; Patroclus &amp; Zagreus (Hades Video Game), Achilles &amp; Zagreus (Hades Video Game), Megaera/Zagreus (Hades Video Game), Megaera/Zagreus/Thanatos (Hades Video Game), Patroclus &amp; Zagreus (Hades Video Game), Thanatos/Zagreus (Hades Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>223</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Lament of the Drowned (and Drowning)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've been feeling really horrible lately, and so I decided to vent through one of my favorite fictional characters! Depression and anxiety have been part of my life for a long time, and it's relentless in a way that has been really disheartening lately. Zagreus resonates with me in a lot of ways, and I wanted to explore that. </p><p>I've also seen a LOT of victim blaming, invalidation, and romanticization toward Zagreus and other emotional and verbal abuse survivors recently. To say the least, it triggered and upset me greatly. It's just painful and unnecessary and honestly really, REALLY hurtful. </p><p>Zagreus is an abuse survivor and his abuser is changing for the better in an environment where he now feels safe. Many people relate to parts of this story. Please do not invalidate that. Not everyone has survived the same experience, nor have they been affected in a way that may be synonymous.<br/> </p><p>  <strong><br/><em>A victim does not need to apologize for their abuse. Victim blaming is never okay.</em><br/></strong></p><p> </p><p>Please head the tags, this talks about abuse, mental health issues, suicidal thoughts and actions, self-harm, and victim blaming. </p><p>This also has spoilers for a good majority of the game. </p><p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I just need to get over it.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
Zagreus is no stranger to drowning; is uncomfortably familiar with the fruitless, heaving coughs that overtake his body. He is used to the smarting liquid snaking through his lungs, thick as ice. He knows the feeling of his heart being crushed under its own weight, leaving him breathless. </p><p>Except. This is different. </p><p>This is different, this kind of drowning doesn’t need a frosted lake or a trip through the Styx. This kind of drowning does not occur when blood starts gushing out his nose or mouth, suffocating him, killing him with his very life. </p><p>This kind of drowning… he feels cannot be cured. It comes from his heart and pumps its venomous sludge through his veins into his very soul. It weighs him down, makes his limbs heavy and useless. This kind of drowning leaves him lightheaded and floating while his body falls, as his heart plummets and shatters. </p><p>This kind of drowning, Zagreus finds to be more painful than any death he’s ever experienced.</p><p>He often feels a pressure behind his eyes, a hand crushing his throat, his energy leaving with every breath. When he drowns, there is often a voice, one that mimics his own and whispers, malignant, in his ear. He listens to how it croons that he is worthless, unwanted.</p><p>That he is a failure.</p><p>On days where the voice stabs him in the heart, words dripping with hostility, he waits until the house is asleep, and sits. There is pain and ceaseless pressure bursting in his chest that he needs to expel, but is unable to. And so he stops his pacing, drops his smiles, sits, and listens. Listens and repeats back.</p><p>When his sharp nails find his wrists, he is no longer still, but he continues to listen. </p><p>On those nights, where the voice whispers of disappearing forever, he can’t help but laugh. Laugh at the absurdity of his relentless wish. Laugh that he is forever trapped with a mind that will always yell and claw and kill him from the inside. But not on the outside. </p><p>At least, not in the way he wants.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I’m good for nothing.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
It’s an addiction at this point, his trips through the Underworld; a way to die and hurt and bleed in a way that he can no longer be shamed for. It is his job now, a thing that he is supposedly good at. </p><p>Yet he’s never felt like more of a failure. </p><p>A God without a purpose and a man who, to those he thought close, saw him as nothing more than a rebellious and spoiled Godling at one point. While he likes to lie and say that Megaera and Thanatos' words and mannerisms toward him left him unscathed, he knows the truth. And should he swear on that lie, Megaera would loathe him always. </p><p>In that sense, he is always pretending, has become somewhat astute in hiding how he truly feels. This, he thinks with a twisted mirth, is perhaps the only thing he excels in. </p><p>Pretending to be happy.</p><p>Vividly, Zagreus remembers pretending Megaera’s words and dirty looks didn’t hurt him at the time; that he didn’t want to scream when Thanatos blamed him for leaving rather than seeing how he ended up that way. And he remembers pretending Hades’ demeaning comments didn’t chip away at his sanity. </p><p>But Megaera and Thanatos were supposed to be with him, always. </p><p>Or so he thought.</p><p>Zagreus had a strange relationship with them for a while. Megaera didn’t outright kill him unless necessary and Thanatos helped him. They clearly didn’t hate him (at least not anymore). </p><p>But their words had hurt. </p><p>Their lack of understanding hurt. Their devotion to Hades first and Zagreus second hurt in a way it had no right to. Hades was their boss, but Zagreus was their friend... and he thought that had meant something. He thought that they would understand and support him and be there for him and love him. But they weren’t. </p><p>The moment Zagreus started lashing out, finally stopped taking his father’s words with a bowed head and trembling lip, they left him. The moment he stood up for himself, the moment he decided that maybe he did have some worth; that maybe he didn’t deserve to be mistreated and that he was worthy of kind words and soft touches and love- </p><p>He was left alone, left behind. Zagreus watched as they equated the anger toward his own abuse to a spoilt babe throwing a temper tantrum. Watched as his father showered them in calculated praise while drowning him in berating, humiliating insults. </p><p>And it has always been that way, to a certain degree. Him against his father, a man who Zagreus resents but also just maybe loves. And to him, to everyone, Zagreus was just a nuisance, someone they tolerated. Like the persistent nagging of a job undone, or the frustrating smart of a reopened wound. An unavoidable setback that must be coped with. </p><p>He doesn’t know why the loneliness still hurts; he should be used to it by now.</p><p>And so Zagreus smiles and swallows down the nausea of probably forced touches and shrugs off worry when people ask why he spends some nights burrowed face-first in Cerberus’ fur, or why his hands are shaking, or why his eyes are red or his wrists scratched or voice shaky or why his latest cause of death was wiped clean from the records or. Or… Why does it even matter? Do they even care? </p><p>Does anyone care? </p><p>Zagreus doesn’t, not anymore.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I can’t do anything right; I’m useless.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
Outwardly, Zagreus thrives and breathes and runs and lives. But, oh, how Zagreus sometimes wishes that weren’t the case. </p><p>Zagreus has since learned that people do care, has since been apologized to; been held and cared for and loved. He’s even formed new bonds he never once thought possible. </p><p>Dusa, his closest friend, provides comfort in the way she listens, and in the way she understands. When she takes time to practise her much needed self-care, they huddle together in his room and talk. They ramble and rave and sometimes cry. They provide each other comfort and warmth, relaxing their overwhelmed, anxiety-ridden souls. She wishes him good luck on his runs and greets him with a smile upon each return. He could not ask for a better friend.</p><p>Orpheus understands too, he thinks. The darkness that often weighs heavily in his heart. On days where Zagreus cannot hide his hurt with a carefully crafted smile, Orpheus invites him to sing and play the lyre with him and Eurydice. On those occasions, they sing and dance and cry. It is a beautiful release to such ugly feelings. </p><p>He thinks Charon and Hypnos understand his loneliness to a certain degree. Perhaps even Sisyphus and Bouldy, too. </p><p>There is also his dearest Thanatos. </p><p>During their first time, Thanatos had held Zagreus so gently, caressed him so lovingly and whispered words so saccharinely and genuinely that he had cried. Zagreus spoke up, then, of his slowly worsening mental health. And Thanatos had kissed him deeply, held him like something precious before saying, </p><p>“I didn’t mean to hurt you… and I’m sorry, Zag. Know that I... really care for you.” </p><p>They made love and talked and simply existed together for hours on end. With curtains drawn and duties on hold, they were simply able to be together. They still do that, love each other with every fiber of their soul, and Zagreus could not be more grateful to have someone like him. </p><p>Times like these, he questions how he was ever sad.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I’m being overdramatic and oversensitive.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
He remembers speaking with Thanatos a while back, a candid conversation on mortals who greet death with empty eyes or manage to set foot in the Underworld without his gentle guidance. He remembers Thanatos telling him that they couldn’t run forever, and that even in death, they had to face their problems. He remembers going along with the conversation, but it had sat strange in the pit of his stomach, left him queasy at the thought of it. Not because of Thanatos, but because of the unfairness of it all.</p><p>Zagreus wonders if anyone has considered, perhaps… those people were tired of confronting their problems, and felt they were fighting a losing battle, and needed to concede; for their own sanity and for others. He wonders if those people arrive in the Underworld with that voice still their head, whispering ugly lies and truths into their very soul. </p><p>Desperately, he hopes they don’t. If a God finds himself crumbling under the weight of words that exist only in thought, he cannot imagine the agony it would bring a mortal. But if they do, if such pure, excruciating terror and misery were to follow them, plant themselves in the root of their very soul-</p><p>He thinks, perhaps, that is why there exists the river Lethe.</p><p>When he was a child, Zagreus had met a shade whose cause of death read, “Suicide”. He was confused at their melancholy, defeated air, at the way they held their neck delicately. He remembers asking what suicide was, and remembers Achilles ushering him away briskly, a gentle bow and apology left politely to the shade. </p><p>After Achilles’ shift, he had sat Zagreus down to speak of mortal struggles, of their view on death and how some regard it with a bit more tentative anticipation. It was a strange concept to him at the time. No. Perhaps not strange, but indeed different. A definitive distinction that resonated with him dreadfully. </p><p>That still does.</p><p>Softly, Achilles explained that shades mourned more than just the life they lived, of those they left behind. Zagreus remembers how his mentor’s voice had shook, quivered with tender sorrow. </p><p>Following the revelation, Zagreus had found himself seeking out shades of similar deaths, all with different airs and stories. Now, these shades flock to him, come to him with their thoughts and stories so that he may provide his understanding, his unendingly genuine empathy. They return the favour kindly. </p><p>It is through these somber interactions that Zagreus determines that the pain he feels, it is universal; can affect mortals and Gods alike. Zagreus learns that he is not alone in his struggles. Struggles of the heart and mind wound even the mightiest of heroes, and that doesn’t make them any weaker. </p><p>Zagreus has trouble applying that validation to himself, however. </p><p>He wonders, were he a mortal, if he would be missed at all.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I’m a horribly unwanted and unlovable excuse for a son.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
Sometimes, Zagreus wonders if Hades abused him, or if he was just harsh and immune to indulging his childish curiosities. Was it abuse to belittle one’s son for being who he was? Was it abuse to keep him locked away at home against his will? Was it abuse to call him names and destroy any and all of his self-worth? </p><p>Was it abuse even if his father felt it justified?</p><p>Was it abuse if he was the only one who saw it that way? </p><p>Zagreus used to admire his father, look up to his confident words and powerful stance and say, “I want to be like that!” Zagreus recalls using charcoal to sketch on a beard akin to Hades’, remembers pitching his voice low and bellowing, “blood and darkness! This blasted parchmentwork never ends!” Nyx had looked vaguely alarmed that he seemed intimately familiar with cursing at full volume, but held what he had speculated to be a smile behind her strong hand. </p><p>But soon, too soon, reverence turned to bitterness, his father’s confident words turned to scalding poison and his powerful stance a looming hostility. The happiness he felt in his father’s presence was tarnished. Zagreus recalls he had barely lost a few baby teeth before oft-found joy was replaced with anxiety and sadness. </p><p>Heartbreak.</p><p>Now, Zagreus looks back on the memories of playing with his father's rings and hanging off of his arm with a deep resentment he cannot comprehend. A certain fury and vitriol on behalf of the child he used to be. </p><p>The bitterness of what could have been.</p><p>He wishes they weren't always like that, that Hades was instead a kind father to him instead of a tragic adversary. He wishes Hades showed how much he loved his son before their relationship had devolved to hostile shouting-matches; only to end when one of them hit far too below the belt.</p><p>Maybe then he wouldn’t be as broken as he is now. </p><p>Gods, why was Zagreus such a colossal failure that Hades felt the best way to raise him was with brutal insults? </p><p>He wishes and wishes and wishes. But he knows it is fruitless. </p><p>And Hades is not a bad man, Zagreus warily concludes. He had his reasons and did what he felt right. But that doesn't make him a good man, either. There is never any justification for abuse. Zagreus understands this, and oddly, that frustrates him even more, for now there is a trepidation on if his anger was ever justified to begin with. The invalidation he feels causes a never ending conflict, wreaking havoc in his own mind and heart. </p><p>Zagreus could never hate his father. As much as he wishes he could many a time, Zagreus cannot bring himself to. The only thing he can truly hate is the situation itself and the pain it has wrought. </p><p>Zagreus also has moments where he hates himself, too.</p><p>Recently, Zagreus has come to the conclusion that he still holds love for Hades. And how strange is that? Mixed with the intense resentment and bitterness is the innocent, everlasting love a child holds for their parent, caregiver, guardian. Zagreus wonders if deep down, Hades still holds that deep devotion and adoration one carries for their child. He thinks he does and always has, but Zagreus still has trouble bringing himself to hope for or even believe in such things. </p><p>Zagreus will always love his father. Even if he vividly remembers the day his father stopped saying it back. <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I hate feeling like this, it hurts so much.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
Once, Zagreus brought up his unstable relationship with his father to Megaera, frustrated and lost. Earlier, he’d gotten into a shouting match with him in the Administrative Chamber, ending with Zagreus angrily storming out, carpets charred and eyes gleaming. </p><p>Megaera had scoffed at him, lips curling in disdain before muttering, “you’re too sensitive. Lord Hades isn’t some misguided mortal, and you’re not some sniveling victim. Grow up, Zagreus.” </p><p>They split apart shortly after that. </p><p>Megaera has since tersely, but meaningfully apologized, their deepened and rekindled relationship providing a type of introspection and understanding she had never been privy to. They’ve grown closer, her confident smiles and firm hands a welcome comfort.</p><p>But still, on rough nights where the past becomes the present and the words in his head become undeniable truths, those acerbic words grate against the tender flesh of his heart.</p><p>On those nights, Zagreus does his best to seek support. Often in the form of the gentle Achilles. He is always there for him and always knows what to say, someone Zagreus could never fathom functioning without. </p><p>When Zagreus had first asked him the now oft-repeating question, “Achilles, sir, was I abused?” Achilles softened, staring far off as if reminiscing a tale long past. Yet his reply was quick and resolute.</p><p>“Aye, lad. No parent should ever harm their child, not with their words or hands. Or lack thereof.”</p><p>Sometimes, Zagreus feels like Achilles is all he has. Him, Nyx, and Cerberus. A man who was contractually obliged to nurture him, a Goddess with children who far surpassed him, and a three-headed dog. And how sad is that?</p><p>When Zagreus planned his first escape attempt, he’d kept them in mind.<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I’m sorry I can’t be better.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
A good portion of his recent runs through the Underworld are just to visit Patroclus and Achilles. He finds comfort in their presence, a gentle guidance and compassion he feels in their loving embrace that he’s been deprived of. </p><p>Perhaps it is his past as a medic that allows for this; allows for Patroclus to find the wounded parts of him and apply the loving balm of understanding and acceptance that he knows Zagreus needs. Patroclus works carefully and deliberately, identifying what is festering and what has healed incorrectly, breaking it apart so they may start healing all over again. Properly this time. </p><p>And Achilles, oh, his beloved mentor Achilles. He seems to know how to care for him, has a warrior’s knowledge on the tenderest, most vulnerable parts of a human. He finds those spots in Zagreus, those neglected, mournful parts of himself and works him through them with that gentle confidence of his. Achilles shows him how to protect those softened areas, how to nip what threatens them in the bud before a fatal wound can form. There is an undying, honest devotion in Achilles that is unafraid and powerful. </p><p>“Fear is for the weak,” he would say. “You and Patroclus have taught me that.”</p><p>Patroclus and Achilles are there for him every step of the way, catching him when he falls and guiding him as he gets up again. And on those days where Zagreus is able to jump right back up or when he needs to lay down for a moment, they’re there too. </p><p>Zagreus feels so safe with them. </p><p>One day (at least, it appeared so in Elysium), Zagreus found them quietly crafting flower crowns, their calloused fingertips weaving the stems intricately. He'd sat down with them, chatting about this and that, smiling genuinely for the first time in a while. Surrounded by their understanding and safety, Zagreus brought up his slowly improving relationship with Hades. He remembers beaming tentatively as he said, “he doesn’t quite yell at me as much. And he takes the time to talk with me; actually calls me by my name now.” Mismatched eyes had then watched as Patroclus’ face hardened, fingers tensing where they smoothed a silken petal. </p><p>“Stranger, has he always used his words to hurt you so?” </p><p>When Zagreus had nodded, Patroclus slumped against Achilles’ side, as if he had been expecting that, but hoping with all his might it wouldn’t be true. He’d sighed, expression pinched and mournful as he opened his arms and said, “come here, Stranger... Zagreus.” </p><p>Zagreus spent an hour weeping in Patroclus and Achilles’ arms, wrapped securely under their robes in a soothing warmth he basked in. He cried and screamed as he broke apart but. But unlike with others, they didn’t scoff at the broken pieces before walking away. The two simply held him, let what was broken fall to the floor before gently comforting and aiding with putting himself back together again and again and again.</p><p>Some pieces were lost, lost before he even arrived at that moment in time, never to be seen again. But, at the time, wrapped in warmth and light and love, he found himself unable to truly care.</p><p>He finds a similar comfort in Nyx. </p><p>There is a radiance to her that shines like the stars. Zagreus finds it comforting in a childish way; almost wants to wish upon the sparkles in her eyes, if only in reverence to the sense of innocent safety she brings. </p><p>They were resting in the lounge, nibbling on tart pieces of pomegranate when he opened up to her. With a deep breath, he had confessed his bottled-up insecurities about the lack of validation and love he felt sometimes. His hands shook, voice breaking as his bottom lip trembled. He felt like a child again, dewy-eyed and doleful, tugging on Nyx’s robes after another fight with his father. </p><p>Nyx seemed to understand, saw the vulnerability in his wide, trusting eyes. She had smiled gently, and with her calming, ethereal voice, repeated the beloved words he’s come to rely on so very much. </p><p>“Know that there are people who love you, child.”</p><p>He wishes he could always believe that. </p><p>But, try as he might, he knows he cannot, just as he knows the warmth could not last forever. </p><p>And so Zagreus learns to find comfort elsewhere, to try and find additional support. The Olympians provide some, but it is difficult at times, as his communication with them cannot reach both ways very well. </p><p>Chaos, however, is someone Zagreus can always be with. And how strange is that? The eldest and most mysterious being he knows is one of his greatest comforts. Zagreus will never forget Chaos’ echoing words that almost brought him to relieved tears.</p><p>“You are always welcome here, Son of Hades.”</p><p>The next visit, Zagreus had excitedly shown Chaos the Voidskate he caught and handed them a glistening bottle of Ambrosia. </p><p>When his head is too loud, Zagreus finds himself just sitting in the silence of Chaos’ realm.</p><p>But sometimes, it’s not enough. Sometimes he feels so overwhelmed and anxious he gets himself killed in the stupidest ways. Sometimes Zagreus can’t fight the voices in his head and no one is around to help. </p><p>And so, still, Zagreus drowns. <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I will never be truly happy, I do not deserve it.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
At one point, Zagreus had hoped everyone could one day fully understand. </p><p>What he experienced may not have hurt others the way it did him, but that doesn’t make his pain any less consuming, his experience any less vivid, feelings any less valid. His hurt was real, his feelings were real, his experiences were real and they were his and his alone and no one could take that away from him. Zagreus should not be blamed for his own mistreatment and hurt, should not be scorned for falling victim only to be scoffed at for realizing he is also a survivor. He didn't ask for any of this.</p><p>Zagreus does not need to apologize for his own abuse; does not need to be sorry for wanting to leave and finally be happy. He was abused, he was mistreated, and now he is traumatised. And he always will be. Nothing will ever change that.</p><p>Now, he thinks they understand, are finally respecting and empathising with him. He just doesn’t expect to feel so horribly about it, feel as guilty as he does as he sees them put more purpose behind their actions and relationships with him. </p><p>He sees it on everyone’s face now. The way eyes widen at a self-deprecating comment that they only now notice is his truth. He watches as Megaera stops herself before lashing out after a difficult encounter with her sisters; as Thanatos learns to stop and listen, consciously making time to spend with him. He even sees how the Olympians stave off using petty insults during trials. </p><p>But Zagreus also sees Persephone look pained and regretful as she watches Achilles lovingly hold him, whispering words of comfort into his downy hair. He sees the way his father looks at him on days where Zagreus cannot speak to him, fists clenched and posture slumped, ashamed. On those days, Cerberus is mysteriously off duty, able to cuddle with Zagreus all he likes. </p><p>And... Zagreus understands. He understands the reasons behind what his parents did and why their story played out the way it did. He understands everyone else, too. The prejudices and pain and misunderstandings and threats. </p><p>That doesn’t take away the hurt, though; doesn’t erase the devastating wounds to his psyche. </p><p>He watches everyone drown in guilt until he, too, is consumed by it. </p><p>They don’t treat him like a broken doll or fragile ceramics. They treat him as Achilles says they always should have, with consideration toward his feelings and the love he deserves. There is still banter and teasing and times where words are exchanged in the heat of the moment. But there is an apology now, however indirect. And there is a respect there, a newfound empathy that was absent until recently. </p><p>He wishes it could have always been this way, that people would always listen first and accuse second. But he feels he’s always been disregarded, viewed through the borrowed lens of his father.</p><p>Oftentime, Zagreus wanders the halls mournfully and frustratedly. He finds himself asking questions he does not know the answers to, experiencing emotions too overwhelming for him to understand. </p><p>Why does his chest still clench in on itself at random? Why does he feel agitated and shaky? Why is he still broken? What will it take to fix him?</p><p>What is wrong with him? </p><p>Zagreus has everything he could ever want. He has loving partners, newly developed friendships, reunited soulmates, has supportive friends and family… Even his father begins to meet him halfway, slowly mending the bridge he had harshly burnt down; plying Zagreus to do the same. Says that he is changing, that this time will be different, he swears. </p><p>And Persephone… Persephone’s return is all he could ever want. She is a lovely mother and a beautiful soul. She is always there to lend her support and never ceases to let him know just how much he is loved. But sometimes, his mind dredges up the memories of when he fought to the surface just to see her. Remembers how she was willing to let them be separated forever, leaving him to suffer alone rather than come home to her son. Zagreus especially remembers that it was his birth that caused all of this to begin with. </p><p>And he feels unwanted again. </p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“I can’t do this anymore.”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
Zagreus should be happy.</p><p>But he is not.</p><p>Despite the positive developments in his life, Zagreus finds himself crying silently by his lonesome, mask breaking, but only for a moment. He still finds himself burning certain records and laying in the Styx and clawing at his wrists or listening to the voice and-</p><p>And Zagreus has never felt so worthless.</p><p>It feels like, no matter what, Zagreus will always be sad, will never be truly happy. Zagreus will always dislike himself, will always use his biggest smile as his strongest shield and weapon. No matter how much progress Zagreus makes, he will always break. Feels he will always be the sad, unloved and lonely little boy who cowers under the weight of his own worthlessness. There are many words he wants to hear, comfort he wants to experience. But he doesn’t know how to ask, doesn’t feel he deserves it; even though sometimes he thinks he does. </p><p>And Zagreus knows that if his happiness is temporary, then so is his pain. On some days, that's all that keeps him going. The promise that the pain will end someday, at some moment in time, for just a moment. But it is the suffering until he gets to that point that wears him down slowly. The never-ending push and pull, the constant fight to just feel a fleeting bit of happiness; it is agonizing. For he is so used to the grief that comes with living and dying that he is hungry for anything that alleviates it, if only for a moment. Fortunately, or unfortunately for him, Zagreus thinks that those brief or prolonged moments of respite, of happiness, can be worth it.</p><p>But until then, Zagreus drowns. <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em><br/>
“Would anyone even miss me?”<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed. This is the first time I've written fanfiction in a long time, but Hades just resonated with me so deeply. Please be respectful if you decide to comment!</p><p>I hope you have a lovely and safe day!</p><p>EDIT: A lot of edits have been made since this first was posted, and I wanted to thank you all for the support! The positive comments and reception have made me so incredibly happy. This entire fic was taken from my experience with lifelong abuse and mental health issues; so I put a lot of my vulnerability and heart into this... and seeing all the love is just... so amazing. Thank you all so much. I'm thinking of writing and drawing more regarding this kind of stuff again and posting it here. You've all inspired me so much, thank you!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>